Hunger

I'm trying to keep this blog as impersonal as possible...but in all honesty that is not ME. I'm a open person, IF I sense that a person truly cares. Problem is that people most often don't care, or they want certain details about you to validate some asinine assumption that they've made about you. Or people only care when it's easy for them to care. (not very jesus like approach, but hey most people don't truly walk the path that they preach).

Human emotion is a very complex thing. If you frequent the Post Secret site, you'll find that we do some base things, but cover it up with a smile. Most people smile or put forth a very light-hearted persona - but feel a lot of pain, or have a deeply jaded, pessimistic view of the world. Makes it harder to decipher at first glance those that are truly happy and those that aren't. And you can even see that in my attempts to be as impersonal as possible on the blog, I place perspectives of stuff that I only care about in a 5 minute span of time. I don't lose sleep over the economic stimulus plan and what others plan to do with it.

I woke up this morning, realizing that yesterday I ate a total of 4 avocado and 4 white tuna small sushi rolls. And when I say small, they were probably between the size of a silver dollar and a quarter. And maybe some applesauce at 7:30 am. That is ALL. No snacks that I'm leaving out to exaggerate. I know that b/c I remember opening the fridge, looking around and thinking, I don't want anything in here.

I read a blog the other day about a black woman that had an eating disorder. *Pause - I think this terminology should be extended to anybody that allows their emotional status to trigger eating habits, which would encompass obese people as well.* Anywho - because black society covets body parts composed almost entirely of fat (ass and tittties, 'scuse the frank-frenchness), I don't believe that we are quite as *at risk* of eating disorders associated with underweight. And then as a people we seem to disregard the reality that heart disease, diabetes can be prevented in some instances. In my heart, I'm a proponent of all things healthy. However, I can't say I walk the talk.

Well, while I've officially never been diagnosed with an eating disorder - because quite frankly, I'm not underweight (I'm in the 'normal' BMI range)...I know I have a disability when it comes to a healthy eating habits (don't worry, my doctor knows). Yesterday, perhaps my physical hunger didn't move me to eat b/c it didn't quite exceed my emotional hunger pains. I'm a bore at the grocery store. While folks throw what looks good in the basket, I'll sit there agonizing over the calories. I probably eat things that others consider weird...(I've always loved tomatilla salsa, it has at most 1 gram of fat and 70 calories per serving. I put it on salads instead of fatty dressing or might warm it up and eat it with angel string pasta etc...)

I've identified two triggers that drive me from a conscious eating schedule to an arguably unhealthy one. I've always been 5'4" (since 5th grade). I was probably 135 lbs coming out of 5th grade, which put me in a junior size 10/12. The first time I remember being somewhat obsessed with what I ate was 7th grade. I dropped down to 110 lbs, which put me in a size 4, and made me look more like my peers. (I went to an all white school, I am UBER sensitive when it comes to debates about how media and/or outside influences effect people, especially in terms of how white images of beauty drive various social constructs about self-image). Emotionally, Iremember being overall happy. I had a super-cute boyfriend, was on the basketball team, made great grades, was on student council. Perhaps it was indirect negative reinforcement. I was an teetering on an unhealthy weight had piss poor eating habits, but GREAT things were happening to me.

Second time was college. Very similar circumstances as before. I had just been accepted to the competitive business program. I spent more time around people that I generally wouldn't choose to hang around (the majority of people in my class were white frat boys / sorority girls). Again, their standards of beauty were chics like jennifer aniston. I had gained my freshman 15...maxing out at about 132, but by my 3rd year when I was in the program, I went back down to about 115. I had a good campus job, was elected class rep, volunteered, made great grades, and was emerging as a leader in my elite business program. Again, I was teetering on an unhealthy weight and had piss poor eating habits, but GREAT things were happening to me.

Perhaps this conditioning has lead me to believe that I can induce GREAT things by dropping weight.

Okay - this was all over the place. And sure, folks can say "damn yo she needs therapy." Response, we all could benefit from it. The URL for this blog is thoughtful...it's a purge of my thoughts. Sure the internet is a public forum in which to share personal info. But on the flip side, having read that other blog on underweight problems, it touched me...and in turn perhaps my words will let somebody else know that she/he is not alone. I'm sure had I met that blogger in person - it would take years before we had that conversation. Why? because superficial relationships are safe and easy...vulnerability takes time.

BTW - I love Jenna Wolf on the today show. I'd love to hang with her. FUCK, I just learned that I won't be getting an economic stimulus check. Apparently I make too much *wait can somebody tell me if the cut-off is based on gross income or the AGI..there might be hope for me* Damn, there goes my extra vacation. (have to laugh at that statement, given that I'm mad about a missed vacation and there are families that direly need the money to feed their children...humble yourself SunFresh).