I got to thinking about this concept of sadness.
IMO - it's completely a learned emotion. Doesn't invalidate the emotion cuz lawd knows we have all had a down day, week, month, year etc.
Think about a baby. They smile or cry...cry not because they are sad, but because of physical discomfort. Hungry - cry, poop making their bottom itch - cry, ear ache - cry. Cry cry cry. Never are they just sad and frown. But on the flip side babies smile.
Smiling, or a feeling of contentment must be as natural as the need to eat. It's not contrived or derived.
Does that make any sense to anybody?
12.03.2008
Eat Pray Love
Have you read this book by Elizabeth Gilbert? What was your take? Did you learn anything from it? Or rather, did you read something that moved you to change a perspective or an approach to something? Do you meditate? Have you ever tried to listen to your thoughts?
Often times there's a disconnect between what comes out of our mouth and our innermost thoughts. Thoughts are often filtered through our ego before making it to somebody else's ears. We care too much to preserve our image to just tell folks the raw thought.
I'm in the Pray chapter and it's getting a bit weird to me, but I'm also taking a lot from it. In this chapter, Gilbert describes how her connection with God through meditation, yoga, ect is helping her to heal from broken relationships, depression and to learn to have more compassion for HERSELF. What I find appealing is that while the chapter is heavily about connecting with God, it's not geared toward any particular religion. What she is experiencing could be done whether you were Christian, Muslim, Jewish, ect.
This type of message works for me because I've never been super religiousy. I'm not the woman that will go to Church for the sake of not appearing to be a heathen to other people. I (and most people see through) that bullish. If you can't see that I'm a good person despite the fact that I don't go to church every Sunday...something is wrong with you, not me. But I admit, at times I feel guilt or shame for not completely jumping on the Jesus train. That's simply not me, never has never will be. But I do thank God, talk to God, get irritated with God for the challenges that he presents...ect. To me, God is not limited to descriptions in a book. Divinity can be experienced ANYWHERE by ANYONE. Perhaps I need to let go of that guilt and really figure out what works for me. I want divine love just as much as the next person...but perhaps I need a different language to get me there.
Often times there's a disconnect between what comes out of our mouth and our innermost thoughts. Thoughts are often filtered through our ego before making it to somebody else's ears. We care too much to preserve our image to just tell folks the raw thought.
I'm in the Pray chapter and it's getting a bit weird to me, but I'm also taking a lot from it. In this chapter, Gilbert describes how her connection with God through meditation, yoga, ect is helping her to heal from broken relationships, depression and to learn to have more compassion for HERSELF. What I find appealing is that while the chapter is heavily about connecting with God, it's not geared toward any particular religion. What she is experiencing could be done whether you were Christian, Muslim, Jewish, ect.
This type of message works for me because I've never been super religiousy. I'm not the woman that will go to Church for the sake of not appearing to be a heathen to other people. I (and most people see through) that bullish. If you can't see that I'm a good person despite the fact that I don't go to church every Sunday...something is wrong with you, not me. But I admit, at times I feel guilt or shame for not completely jumping on the Jesus train. That's simply not me, never has never will be. But I do thank God, talk to God, get irritated with God for the challenges that he presents...ect. To me, God is not limited to descriptions in a book. Divinity can be experienced ANYWHERE by ANYONE. Perhaps I need to let go of that guilt and really figure out what works for me. I want divine love just as much as the next person...but perhaps I need a different language to get me there.
Independent Woman - My Take
So last night after stuffing myself with the best darn fajita that exists I collapsed in my hotel room and pulled out the computer. Obviously I haven't been as active at posting...what's consuming my mind is not something I want out on the streets. Nonetheless, I was seeking controlled interaction with people (ie on the internet you can log off when somebody isn't ideally interacting with you). But anywho...I ventured over to Creole's spot and saw that one of the word on the curb live phone sessions was going on. For those of you that don't visit or don't know what WOTC is...it's a live web/phone chat and is like the times when you're in a big group of friends discussing some human condition...there is vulnerability, humor, advice, encouragement, disagreement - all o' dat. Last night's topic: The Independent Woman.
One major theme/question was...do you NEED a man? Why do you think you do/don't NEED a man?
My answer, at least in this point in life is no. Things that I NEED to live: Food, shelter, health (which leads me into some other things that I consider to be needs - a job/career...to pay for food, shelter, healthcare). But I wake up each day without a man, I feed, cloth and house myself...by myself. I admit that life would be easier with a companion. But to me...it's not a necessity. It's a want. I guess that's the difference to me. A need is something that you cannot live without and a want is something that you believe would make your life easier/better.
Another perspective that some folks might not see is the fact that 'The Independent Woman,' is used to be in CONTROL of her situation, life ect. Name 3 things in your life that you can control. Another person is NOT one of them. For example...when I bust my ass at work, I am often rewarded with recognition, pay ect. The concept is you put in 100% and you get back 100%. The first time I was in love, I put in 100% and I got cheated on. So it's a scary, unsettling concept to invest so much into a relationship, into another person when you have absolutely no control over the desired reactions and actions ect.
I also identified with another person in that I don't want to have to ask for what I want, I want somebody to be intune with me and provide it. I mean this for the true personality traits within me. I would expect a person to ask about certain things that don't require intuitive knowledge of me. For example...if you observe that I can be spastic when sh*t doesn't go my way, balance me with calmness...put on brainless tv, and pull me into your arms on the couch. Don't first try to talk to me about what I did wrong, or other logical shit. When I'm spastic, I'm not logical and not open to logic.
The married folk on the call said that they needed thier spouse. Which sounds like a natural answer and something I'm not opposed to. The concept of marriage is combining two souls into one and living as such. So it makes perfect sense to me that once you've taken that leap...you consider your spouse a necessity. Can you NEED something that you've never experienced/had? I'm not convinced about this because I don't feel like I NEED a spouse.
Well, let me take that back. There is one person in my life who I couldn't live without, I mean...I could wake up, feed and shelter myself, but there is so much comfort for me in that relationship. While the dynamics of our relationship have changed over the past 7 or so years...when you strip all the BS away the only thing that remains and the only thing I attend to is the positive. If you're reading this...you know who you are.
I think another question that folks addressed inadvertantly is why do or don't you think you have a man/companion. Coming from a person that grounded herself the first time she got a B in grade school (8th grade)...I always look in the mirror first for the faults of my experience/life. The ONLY thing in this world that I can control/change is me. So given that I've had failed relationships, I analyze the situation by thinking okay...what are unique vs. common factors in these failed relationships (not that I've had many that were of significance...2 so far). Common denominator is me. (Although to be real...first love was from college and timing and other circumstances put the odds against us. The second 'love,' - he was a fucktard, PERIOD and God knew I deserved something more perfect for me).
I'm not a constant dater. I am okay with being single. But it frustrates me and makes me question myself knowing that I think I'm kinda dope...why doesn't somebody love me? And then that turns into...well maybe I'm not as dope as I'd like to think. What can I do to make me more dope? lol. Dope - I like this word.
Anywho - I don't claim to be 'The Independent Woman.' However, at this point in my life it's the essence of who I am. I'm not dependent, I do for myself by myself.
One major theme/question was...do you NEED a man? Why do you think you do/don't NEED a man?
My answer, at least in this point in life is no. Things that I NEED to live: Food, shelter, health (which leads me into some other things that I consider to be needs - a job/career...to pay for food, shelter, healthcare). But I wake up each day without a man, I feed, cloth and house myself...by myself. I admit that life would be easier with a companion. But to me...it's not a necessity. It's a want. I guess that's the difference to me. A need is something that you cannot live without and a want is something that you believe would make your life easier/better.
Another perspective that some folks might not see is the fact that 'The Independent Woman,' is used to be in CONTROL of her situation, life ect. Name 3 things in your life that you can control. Another person is NOT one of them. For example...when I bust my ass at work, I am often rewarded with recognition, pay ect. The concept is you put in 100% and you get back 100%. The first time I was in love, I put in 100% and I got cheated on. So it's a scary, unsettling concept to invest so much into a relationship, into another person when you have absolutely no control over the desired reactions and actions ect.
I also identified with another person in that I don't want to have to ask for what I want, I want somebody to be intune with me and provide it. I mean this for the true personality traits within me. I would expect a person to ask about certain things that don't require intuitive knowledge of me. For example...if you observe that I can be spastic when sh*t doesn't go my way, balance me with calmness...put on brainless tv, and pull me into your arms on the couch. Don't first try to talk to me about what I did wrong, or other logical shit. When I'm spastic, I'm not logical and not open to logic.
The married folk on the call said that they needed thier spouse. Which sounds like a natural answer and something I'm not opposed to. The concept of marriage is combining two souls into one and living as such. So it makes perfect sense to me that once you've taken that leap...you consider your spouse a necessity. Can you NEED something that you've never experienced/had? I'm not convinced about this because I don't feel like I NEED a spouse.
Well, let me take that back. There is one person in my life who I couldn't live without, I mean...I could wake up, feed and shelter myself, but there is so much comfort for me in that relationship. While the dynamics of our relationship have changed over the past 7 or so years...when you strip all the BS away the only thing that remains and the only thing I attend to is the positive. If you're reading this...you know who you are.
I think another question that folks addressed inadvertantly is why do or don't you think you have a man/companion. Coming from a person that grounded herself the first time she got a B in grade school (8th grade)...I always look in the mirror first for the faults of my experience/life. The ONLY thing in this world that I can control/change is me. So given that I've had failed relationships, I analyze the situation by thinking okay...what are unique vs. common factors in these failed relationships (not that I've had many that were of significance...2 so far). Common denominator is me. (Although to be real...first love was from college and timing and other circumstances put the odds against us. The second 'love,' - he was a fucktard, PERIOD and God knew I deserved something more perfect for me).
I'm not a constant dater. I am okay with being single. But it frustrates me and makes me question myself knowing that I think I'm kinda dope...why doesn't somebody love me? And then that turns into...well maybe I'm not as dope as I'd like to think. What can I do to make me more dope? lol. Dope - I like this word.
Anywho - I don't claim to be 'The Independent Woman.' However, at this point in my life it's the essence of who I am. I'm not dependent, I do for myself by myself.
12.01.2008
Peeps head out
I'm alive and okay! Thanksgiving was exactly that...I was SO VERY thankful for being home and having to not take care of myself. Single folks...sometimes (I think) we get tired of taking care of ourselves. And not everybody is like me. I'm *JUST* learning to be comfortable relying upon people that I'm getting to know. So it's EXTREMELY difficult for me to ask for help when I need it. Things that are almost mindlessly easy to do when in a relationship become a manuvering way around the world. Simple sh*t...like getting to and from the airport. In a big city during the holidays - it's a nussance. Anywho, at home, I don't need to think twice about how, what, where, who. Everything is taken care of. That's how I know ATL is not home, nor will it ever be...probably.
With a simple hello and a wine drenched conversation - I felt at home in a person. The smile, the 'Luther Curl," lol...I'll stop there.
Oddly, I felt more distant from my family than I wanted to. But they know I love them dearly and I know they love me dearly, even if we don't always express it the way we think that we should. The poor family dog is deteriorating at a fast pace. We went to the beach on Christmas Day. Me bro n' Paco. I dipped my fingers in the Atlantic several times, I tried failed at learning to skip rocks. I chased the waves...and won all but once...then my shoes were soaked with COLD ocean water.
I relentless ignored texts, calls, e-mails from him. I hate that there is an ounce of feeling left in me; but I KNOW that ME is #1.
I saw my Alma Mater lose to the craptastic team. Ehh - what can you do? I got to drive my favorite route in all of America...or maybe the east coast(64). The water, the trees, the hills/mountains. The girl who first drove that trip in 1999 transformed (or evolved?) into a different young woman when she departed in 2003. Everytime I drive that short route I feel nostalgic, relaxed and comforted.
I gotta work out. Shit.
I'm back in another city. The hotel folks know me by name/smile. Unfortunately due to fucktard circumstances, I feel more comfortable at a hotel.
With a simple hello and a wine drenched conversation - I felt at home in a person. The smile, the 'Luther Curl," lol...I'll stop there.
Oddly, I felt more distant from my family than I wanted to. But they know I love them dearly and I know they love me dearly, even if we don't always express it the way we think that we should. The poor family dog is deteriorating at a fast pace. We went to the beach on Christmas Day. Me bro n' Paco. I dipped my fingers in the Atlantic several times, I tried
I relentless ignored texts, calls, e-mails from him. I hate that there is an ounce of feeling left in me; but I KNOW that ME is #1.
I saw my Alma Mater lose to the craptastic team. Ehh - what can you do? I got to drive my favorite route in all of America...or maybe the east coast(64). The water, the trees, the hills/mountains. The girl who first drove that trip in 1999 transformed (or evolved?) into a different young woman when she departed in 2003. Everytime I drive that short route I feel nostalgic, relaxed and comforted.
I gotta work out. Shit.
I'm back in another city. The hotel folks know me by name/smile. Unfortunately due to fucktard circumstances, I feel more comfortable at a hotel.
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