Marriage

How did you feel going into the marriage? Confident, scared?

Given that anybody is perfect, how did you decide that your spouse's flaws were something that you could accept for life? Did that person's flaws leave you feeling unfulfilled?

I am having the most uncomfortable conversation. Somebody is telling me that I need to reconsider ending a relationship because marriage isn't what it seems to be (at least on Univision Telenovelas). That from the outside looking in, marriages aren't perfect and you just have to deal (grunt) with it because it's the best institution to rear children. In other words, raising children in a two parent home is worth the trade off of personal happiness and basic fulfillment in a relationship. In other words, if a man can provide for you and future children, this is paramount to him being your friend.

They even challenged me to provide examples of what I envision having. *Shout out to Monica Mingo* I want to be able to, on a whim on a Tuesday afternoon, write a letter about the love and adoration I have for my husband. He may not be perfect, and he may not be my favorite person 100% of the time; however, in a relationship I do have an expectation that the positive will outweigh the negative. Furthermore, I will not (at least in the intial stages) of a relationship sacrifice my own happiness for my future family. Cuz if my happiness doesn't exist without the children, it won't automatically be there with the children.

Hell, I've been in a relationship in which I adored and loved the other person and got what I needed...timing wasn't perfect, it was hard work and circumstances were "extra." But even to this day, in friendship, this person is good to me...like good to the core. Like we don't need to talk for weeks, but if I need a friend, they are a phone call away. Current relationship - not so much. I'm pretty much on my own.

Ahhhh, I'm venting. But for real, I wish I was privy to very intimate details of other marriages. Not to be nosey, but to have a realistic view of the joys and pains of a marriage. We learn by example, right? I don't feel as if I have adequate examples. Furthermore, I feel as though the person were challenging me to stay in a relationship because I have unreasonable assumptions about healthy and/or satisfying relationships. I don't think there is anything unhealthy in expecting that my future life partner will be my best friend... I don't expect that we will agree on everything, but I do expect to experience more joy with them than pain.

Married folks, am I crazy? Is marriage more of a pain than a joy?

What's the most effective way to break-up?

Not a bad situation, just one that is simply not going to successfully move forward into the future?

Letter (hand written)?
Phone?
Face to face?

Do you maintain contact with that person on a friend level? Do you need space before you accept friendship?

I was having a conversation with Cocoa and she was like, send a letter letting him know never to contact you again. My reaction was that is so impersonal. She responded with, it does not give him a chance to whine his way back into your heart. At this point, my mind/heart is made up, this is not the man for me and I'm not getting younger, so it is time to move on. But, he is a great good man that happens to be incapable of communicating with me on an intimate level. As friends, we can relate b/c I don't entrust him with my heart. Given that distance makes face to face impossible, I'm waiting to have the phone conversation. I don't want any emotion, just recognition of something that we're both avoiding, but that needs to be said. *Sigh*